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Osama bin Laden turns 50

ANUS wishes him longevity

March 15, 2007
ANUS News

AFGHANISTAN, 50 miles from the border of Pakistan -- A cheerful crowd of towel headed men sing loud and shoot a couple of shots in the air from their AKs. Young male onlookers tell us this has already been going on for a few days.

"Uncles Azis and Abdul have gone nuts! He must be quite an impressive man for people to react this passionately," one of the boys commented. "Unfortunately I haven't got to see him yet."

Behind the celebrating crowd opens a vast field of poppies. Rumor has it that bin Laden selected this place as much for the protection of the mountains as for the poppy fields.

"Oh yes, Osama likes the poppies very much. He would have opted for another location 70 miles to northeast but he simply couldn't resist the idea of filling his pipe with fresh poppy extract and rolling in the fields with the kids," says Hazif from the local community.

"We've seen him coming here with an armed convoy of camels every now and then. He'll take a walk around here for few hours tops before retreating to his secret bunker."

How do the people react to bin Laden?

"He is definitely a dignified and outstanding man, all for the noble cause," Hazif said.

"The only thing people complain about is the evanescent smell of marijuana. I don't know; he always seems very fresh and clean, but I wonder how much he must use it for his clothes to permanently emit that faint scent."

We at ANUS editorial remembered Mr. bin Laden by sending him a goat and a giant tube of oil-based lubricant. Unfortunately the reception was lukewarm: "While he greatly appreciates this fine goat specimen and the diversity it will brings amongst the countless gift camels he has received, he was not so delighted to receive the tube of lubricant. Even camels know that latex condoms and oil-based lubricants don't mix!"

Despite this, we wish him longevity. May he have another fifty years of health and many more terrific anti-Western plans!

About Osama bin Laden

A devout Muslim, CIA trained soldier, visionary and ladies' man bent on liberating the Arab world from the clutches of Washington's three-chromosomed overlords. He single-handedly orchestrated a devastating attack on the symbolic heart of US capitalism, the WTC twin towers, and caused further damage to several other key locations. Leaked CIA reports reveal that bin Laden is a chronic marijuana addict and was using his water bong during the strikes.

About ANUS

The American Nihilist Underground Society advocates nihilism, or a removal of interpretive layers from our perception of physical reality, as a means of transcending illusion. Nihilism denies value and purpose, which are byproducts of the human desire to judge reality and make a consensual "social reality" that by seizing on a single material factor misses the intelligible, or design-based, knowledge we need to adapt to reality. ANUS has been promoting nihilism since 1987.

http://www.anus.com/

About Nihilism

Nihilism is the belief that nothing we perceive has Absolute value; reality exists, but beyond its inherent meaning to us as the physical container of our existence, it has no significance outside of what we perceive. "The world is my representation," indeed. When we strip away all of the values projected onto physical reality and its outcomes, we are left only with personal ideal and natural ideal, and bringing the former into adaptation with the latter is the lifetime task to which nihilism is a gateway.

http://www.nihil.org/