Dell Computer is an example of exactly what makes modern society such a waste of time. Here's why.

1. Their products are mediocre. It's like a grab bag of parts, unless you get the really expensive ones, in which case there's no guarantee that what you paid for will make it into the box.

2. Their marketing panders to absolute fools. Breed more fools and be not surprised when your society collapses!

3. Their machines are trendy but do not add any measurable performance benefit. Yes, nice and easy to order, and look at all the neat software they include. At the end of the day, it doesn't help the normal user get anything done.

4. People who like Dells are generally idiots.

5. Their products are contrary to the spirit of PCs. PCs are somewhere between a true idiot machine (Nintendo, Macintosh) and a SUN workstation. You should assemble them yourself, especially since it's super-easy at this point. But Dell makes you an idiot machine with the inscrutability of a SUN workstation.

6. Michael Dell is a scumbag. Bought the biggest house in Texas, did you? There's a difference between being rich and showing off. Bet he has a tiny cock.

7. Dell's reliability record is garbage. Buy a nice white box machine with an Intel or Abit motherboard, Seagate drive, quality RAM and video, and it will outlast a Dell. Why? Dell makes its money by buying generic parts by availability and throwing them together into "computers."

8. I don't trust art deco cases. In modern society, you learn quickly that flashy packaging is always hiding something. Dell tries to be like Apple and make neato cases to hide the outdated, warmed-over, ill-configured junk inside.

9. Dell is headquartered in Austin. Austin has three types of people: moronic college students, drug-addled quasi-hippie scenesters, and the kind of neo-retards who work for the government. A nuclear halo would benefit this place.

And finally...

10. Dell is not necessary. Dell makes its money by playing off the fear of the consumers. Much like Apple and other companies that market to people's perceived weaknesses ("Toilet Cleaning for Dummies"), Dell sells the service of dumbing down computing for those who are afraid to figure out the basics. I don't mean technical knowledge here, but simply researching what might be needed and buying a reasonable option. Dell tries to make buying a computer like going to a fast food restaurant. It is geared toward the dumbest among us. Dell is not necessary, but it serves the profitable service of accomodating fools. But who among us believes we need more fools on this already-overpopulated earth?

Ultimately, Dell is everything that's wrong with modernity: a cheap product dressed up like something important, and oversold because of clever marketing and masses of weak, stupid people instead of sensible, normal healthy ones. Just like you have to be partially stupid and ignorant to buy an Apple, you have to be a fool to buy Dell at this point in history. Even if you don't build your own computer, you'll come out ahead with models from AlienWare, Averatec, MPC or Acer. Nothing's perfect, but they're better than Dells, both in terms of quality and what kind of social order you support with your purchase.

August 24, 2005