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exponentiation ezine: issue [6.0:news]

Neighbor Shoots Musician
August 27th, 2007

BURLINGTON, ONT. - On the afternoon of Sunday, August 25th, Ian P. Bele, restaurant owner and Vietnam war veteran, shot and killed twenty-four year old professional musician Donald Snapes while he was playing an acoustic guitar in the back yard of his house in Burlington, Ontario.

What appeared to be a calm summer day in the suburban neighborhood was transformed when several neighborhood households reported the sound of gunfire to authorities. When police arrived they found Mr. Bele standing over the victim. Officer McCrae reports him as admitting "I shot him because he wouldn't shut up with that damn thing."

Some neighbours were seen standing at their fences, commending Mr. Bele's actions. Ivan Grange, an elderly man living next door to Snapes, described him as "an unkempt hippie." He continued by saying "he was up at the oddest hours, and his friends were weirder than he was. I called the cops on him lots."

Officer McCrae confirms this, "Donald Snapes seems to have been troublesome to the community here. We've received many noise complaints since his arrival, and have had several issues with his guests. While there's no excuse for Mr. Bele's actions, it's easy to understand how this could transpire. It never works out when citizens attempt to take the law in their own hands; sometimes, if you're patient, the law works for you."

When Mr. Bele was asked more about his motivation for the shooting, he responded "I had a hard night. Owning a business isn't very easy, and last night things kind of got out of hand. I got drunk and carried away, and I mean, if I'm not allowed to sleep into the afternoon with a hang over then just what are these freedoms we've supposedly got?"

Given his comments and strenuous daily life, Mr. Bele's defense is going to opt for a plea of temporary insanity. His attorney, Gordon Blum, stated "I'm usually very successful in these cases. When the jury sees all that Mr. Bele has had to endure in his life, they'll likely understand him and make the right choice."


Man Suffocates Under Cloths in Closet
August 30th, 2007

NEW YORK, NY. - New York salesmen, Sean Tempsta was found dead Sunday afternoon at his home in East Greenwich. Authorities report that Mr. Tempsta was found buried under a pile of clothing in his home closet. "It appears that Mr. Tempsta was attempting to place a new pair of loafers on the top shelf of his closet when his wide assortment of hand crafted suits, garments, costumes and shoes came tumbling down on top of him" noted Karl Williams, the officer who discovered Tempsta's body.

Friends and family regarded Tempsta as being a clean and thrifty man who liked to shop. "He never got rid of anything" notes his mother, Anna Tempsta, "he was always very fashionably oriented and kept every shoe, shirt and suit right there in his closet in case he ever needed it for the right occasion. I always told him to just get rid of some of it, but he just wouldn't listen." Tempsta's closet was doublewide and contained exotic clothing from specialty shops around the world. The clothing apparently became too heavy for the racks, which seem to have given way when Mr. Tempsta placed the new loafers on the top shelf.

Only one month ago Mr. Tempsta won the Macy's "shop till you drop" competition, in which he was awarded a three-thousand dollar gift certificate to purchases cloths from any Macy's retailer. It is believed that the new shoes were purchased with this certificate. "They looked pretty expensive," says Officer Willams, "and when I found him, he was clutching to them so hard, I couldn't get them out. The fellas at the morgue had to pry his fingers open with special clamps. I think if he had just let go of the shoes he could have opened up an air pocket for himself." Morgue authorities reported that Mr. Tempsta died of suffocation and blood loss due to a punctured lung he suffered after the five-foot fall.

Kip Dean, Mr. Tempsta's neighbor, believes he heard the incident the night it took place, but he was unaware that Mr. Tempsta had been buried under a pile of garments. Dean had this to say, "well, I was watching American Idol when I heard some desperate grunts coming from next door. It was hard to tell because some Spice Girls styled music was blaring at the time. Sean was sort of a tiny guy; he could barely lift his newspaper off the porch in the morning, so I figured he was trying to carry laundry up the stairs again or something. He also brought a lot of guys over on the weekends and I didn't want to judge and go over to see what was going on."

Mr. Tempsta leaves behind an Australian terrier, a poodle, a havanese and exotic garments, all of which will be put up for auction next week. The family refused to comment on burial arrangements but disclosed that Mr. Tempsta will first be stuffed and dressed in his finest suit before the burial so that family and friends can spend more time with their departed loved one.

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