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exponentiation ezine: issue [3.0:news]

Mall Escalator Malfunctions; Sixty Perish
June 21st, 2006

CROSS CITY, FL -- Sixty citizens perished and countless others were injured in a tragic escalator accident at the Cross City Mall on the morning of Monday June 19th. "This is the worst tragedy our city has ever seen," remarked Cross City city councilor Roy Ingram.

On Monday morning a two-story escalator inside the Cross City Mall grinded to an unexpected halt. Customers aboard the escalator, carrying heavy shopping bags which made climbing stairs unreasonable, stood and looked around at each other in confusion. The escalator then started with a jerk, and riders with loose shoe-strings were caught in the device, kicking and screaming in peril as their feet were ground up through the accelerated machine.

The jolt sent other consumers flying, plummeting to their deaths. Obese shoppers with 0% trans-fat lite veggie burgers wrapped in McDonald's bags rolled and crushed other riders, including six members of the morning division of the elite "Senior Citizen Mall Power Walking Team" (SCMPWT).

Bayside resident Janie Smits recalls the incident, "I was eating my typical Monday morning energy booster of five scoops of Häagen-Dazs double chocolate fudge ice cream in the food court when I suddenly heard a loud banging noise followed by a lot of people cursing, then there was a loud grinding and the most horrible screams I've ever heard in my life." Smits continued, "it was horrible, there was blood being sprayed everywhere, and what was worse, some of it got all over my ice cream, but I guess ce le vie cause I was able to lick around most of it."

The incident has caused an outrage among human rights activists of the United Homosexual Church of Christian Migrant Non-denominationalists. Spokesperson for the group, Aaron Tite, gave the following comment, "Our citizens should not have to go through the shopping mall in mortal terror. We can't allow this travesty to occur a second time. It's immoral and inhumane what has happened here and we at the Homosexual Church see the mall management as a group of cold-blooded killers for not inspecting their escalators closely enough."

Cross City city council called an emergency meeting in order to deal with the problem of mall escalators. One of the proposed solutions is to raise a bill that will ban all escalators in Cross City. Other members of the city council vehemently opposed the idea, claiming that citizens should not be forced to burden themselves by walking up two flights of stairs with heavy shopping bags.

The custodial engineers of the Cross City Mall have looked directly into the escalator's problem and have implemented a temporary remedy involving bubble gum and twist ties. "If I finished the job now," says subordinate custodial mechanic Raum Mohammed, "I would have nothing to do tomorrow, and I'd be out of a job--they'd fire me. I have kids to feed. Five of them! I have to make money somehow. Besides we placed a little two by two sign about three feet away from the escalator with a danger warning painted on it, that should be good enough for now."

The escalator is currently in operation. Consumers oblivious to the dangers of such devices are still riding them nation wide.


Nation's Frats Experience "Genital Leprosy" Epidemic
June 20th, 2006

HARTFORD,CT (UCONN) - Scientists have determined that an extremely virulent strain of gonorrhea is responsible for the outbreak of what has been dubbed "Genital Leprosy" among the nation's college fraternities.

The bacteria Neisseria gonorrhoeae is believed by experts to have altered its genetic character. Bacteriologist Harvey Whitfield claims this mutation is "due to exposure to high levels of known mutagens present in cheap beer such as Bulldog Light." Whitfield went on to say, "when the cheap beer is consumed in large quantities by male revelers carrying the infectious agent, a breeding ground is created for this new strain, which in turn is passed on to girlfriends, girlfriends-on-the-side, intoxicated party chicks who think they're bisexual, and other frat brothers ‘on the down low.'"

Initial symptoms include feelings of fatigue, penis complexes, and a general lack of motivation, which leads to a mental, emotional and spiritual numbness that keeps sufferers from ever doing something about their self-inflicted epidemic. Symptoms soon progress to swelling and numbing of the genitals, and finally gradual sloughing off of tissue.

"Frat brothers engage in a self-medicating/denial behavior involving more Bulldog Light and grooving to 50 Cent on their trash and bodily fluid-caked dance floors," notes Whitfield. Current studies show this practice does not have any healing effects. Some experts believe such a response by carriers of the genital ailment makes the disease worse.

Those at risk are not letting their lives be run by fear. Despite there being no current treatment, students are taking it in stride, and continuing to have sex for status while getting drunk on cheap alcohol. Says Krystal, a sophomore at Dartmouth College and girlfriend of an Omega Chi Pi member, "I won't let this disease stop me from dating the only real men around here. If I had to stop going to the frats, who else would I hook up with? Those art fags? My boyfriend is in a frat, which will help him become CEO of Earth Pavers Inc. so he can make lots of money to spend on me."

Currently 65% of college frat boys are confirmed as being carriers of the disease. Estimates are that 85% of fraternity males will have the disease by the end of the year should the standard frat party behavior continue.

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