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Government Reveals Five-Year Plan to Utopia

February 2, 2005
American States Press Service

WASHINGTON, DC (ASPS) - At a candlelight ceremony to remember the
victims of September 11, President Bush announced that the United
States will realize Sir Thomas Moore's Utopia within five years.
"America will be a shining beacon to the world of personal liberty,
freedom, individuality and comfort," he said. "We will conquer hate,
despair and inequity, and will create a new Utopia."

Speaking from the heavily-guarded podium in front of the gaping pit
where the World Trade Center towers once stood, Bush pledged to end
four years of infighting that have prevented the reconstruction of
what he called "a symbol of our country, and what makes it great:
our freedom." He delivered his forty-minute speech before going
indoors after high winds began blowing garbage and crack cocaine
paraphrenalia from the nearby Freedom Park.

Bush continued, "Not everyone will immediately desire personal
freedom and the liberation of women, minorities, the oppressed, the
retarded and the insane, but if they want to live in some backward
feudal state of idol-worship and primitive toilet conditions, we
will crush them like the evil they are. Utopia has conquered such
backward superstitions and paranoid, deluded religious fanaticism."

Darla Hofheiser, president of the dissident group Wiccans for
Abortion and Medical Marijuana, held a protest sign bearing the
words NO FUTURE WITHOUT ABORTION, said she was disappointed in the
president's speech. "If this is to be Utopia," she said, "Everyone
must be represented, and -- how is that possible, when he won't
allow abortion and medical marijuana? We have to agree to disagree."

American Civil Liberties Union lawyer Roger Cardozas expressed a
contrary sentiment. "The right wing will always justify itself in
terms of freedom, but where is the freedom for a Mexican-American
superstate within what is erroneously called Texas and New Mexico?"
Cardozas then departed for a keynote speech to the Association of
Mexican American Students, entitled "Aztlan - Our Right and

Further down the street, protestors from NAMBLA voiced a similar
sentiment. "How is it that in this grand scheme, men who like to
share their love with young boys and their peachlike buttocks are
not included? Freedom means freedom for everybody," said NAMBLA
protestor Jorge Rosenberg, who was joined by a crowd of every race,
ethnicity, gender and sexual orientation in chanting "Freedom for

In the promenade across the way, however, emotions ran high in a
different direction. "I won't feel free until I know I live in a
country ruled by Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior," said Theresa
Baxter, founder of Methamphetamine Addicts for Christ. "He is
everywhere, if you look for him - in the heart of every human being,
in the kindness of strangers, and in the tiny people who run under
the table when I'm cranked."

Speaking from the White House, Attorney General John Ashcroft
responded: "There are people out there who fear our Utopia, and we
will take each one and using modern military hardware, send him back
to his primitive gods in pieces, so that our democracy cannot be
threatened by those who hate our freedom." He was promptly chastised
by the National Organization for Women (NOW), who characterized his
speech as "sexist" and "denying the right to women of being freedom
fighters for the backward, primeval regime of their choice."

On the street outside the press conference, Joe "Wipers"
Washington-Perez was gathering half-eaten hot dogs from a trash can
while proposition cars stopped at the light for a windshield
cleaning with a greasy rag. "Freedom ain't free," he said. "Takes
two hours to find a full pork hotdog in these dumpsters, and I'm
caught between the horsehead nebula and the Yeast God."

Speaking the dwindling crowd, as nightfall arrived and the city area
outside White House security bastions became an unstable war zone
between drug dealers, SWAT teams, skinhead gangs and rapists from
every ethnic group and gender-orientation, Bush continued. "Once
Utopia is established," he said. "We will live in peace and
prosperity forever, unless evil is destined to thwart our progress."

"We cannot tolerate evil," he continued. "If they insist on fighting
us, it will touch off a war between Utopia and the empires of evil."
After a momentary interruption as iconoclastic rally racers crashed
into the crowd of Falun Gong protestors outside, Bush was asked for
his contingency plans for that event. Looking startled, the
president said quickly, "Well, it will bring about the apocalypse,
and all the good people will be called home to God, of course."


Israeli scientist invents cure for death

January 31, 2005
El-Shaddai News Services

GAZA CITY, ISRAEL (ESNS) - The remarkable announcement was made
today that yet again, modern science has triumphed over nature, and
this time conquering an age-old fear: Israeli National University
scientist Haim Vorenberg has invented a cure for death. The cure,
administered through a machine in which the user sits, makes use of
a new subatomic particle discovered by Vorenberg, the vader.

"Vaders are the complement to free radical particles, which occur
naturally in our flesh through the process of aging, as we become
older and get closer to death, which reduces us to dust and ruins
all we have done," he said in a thick German accent. "What our
machine does is to replace free radicals with vaders, so forever we
are free from the curse -- of death!"

Vorenberg previously worked on missile design systems and was
responsible for the remarkable Israeli "Tikkun Olam" missile, which
during the first Iraq war shot down one Scud, four Piper Cubs and
uncountable pigeons brainwashed in the suicidal death religion of
Islam. His list of accomplishments is long, including honorable
service in the US Army Intelligence division before the Tet
Offensive, Director of Safety Regulations at Three Mile Island, and
Environmental Regulator at Love Canal.

"The machine is very fragile, very expensive," said Vorenberg. "It
requires rare materials, like South African diamonds and white
Russian gold," he said.

Interviewed in the Vatican, Pope John Paul II expressed solidarity
with Vorenberg. "This ingenious man of God has invented the ultimate
fulfillment of man's dominion over nature," said the Pope.
"Blessings upon him and his kin, who are blessed in the eye of God,
who up till now alone has held back death."

The machine was demonstrated on dissident Eli Al-Rafal, who shouted
"Free Palestine!" before being strapped into the apparatus, at which
point the heavy door lined in lead and gold was closed upon him.
"Notice how we convey the blessing of Immortality on even our
enemies," said Israeli government press officer Christian Horowitz.
"Our God, who we share with Christians, is indeed merciful even to
His worst enemies."

After humming for several minutes, the machine began making cyclic
static discharge sounds. Vorenberg quickly adjusted a dial on a
console that looked suspiciously like one borrowed from a US-made
F-16 fighter. "We are now aligning the positrons and neutrons and,
ah, magic particles in his body," said Vorenberg. "Soon the free
radicals will be gone, and he will be free from death forever."

With an immense electric crackling roar, the machine fully energized
and lit the room with an incomparable glow, leaving a faint odor of
ozone and hair standing on end for the straight-haired among the
observers. Vorenberg, his curly mop untouched, turned back the
machine. "Success!" he said. "Another soul saved, and nature's vile
death is removed, thus zee triumph of mankind is assured."

When he opened the machine, however, Al-Rafal had vanished, leaving
behind a single red rose.


Los Angeles Annexes South Korea

February 4, 2005
Christian Thought Monitor

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA (CTMN) - Today Governor Arnold
Schwarzenegger and Mayor Dick Riordan made a joint announced that
Los Angeles, the nation's fastest growing city, had annexed South
Korea. "In LA, we are proud to be a tolerant and diverse community,
and as a result we keep growing," said Riordan. "I'd like to welcome
our newest outer suburb, Seoul."

Schwarzenegger weighed in by noting that California "has always
prospered from the diversity and hard work of immigrants such as
myself," and promised the South Korean suburb would be no different.
"You can now participate in the Los Angeles Dream," he told them.
"You will be able to have entertainment jobs, medical marijuana, and
drive in rush-hour traffic to cultural events like Linkin Park and
the Vagina Monologues."

Sung Pak, leader of the California Korean-Americans Association,
said, "Today is a brave new world for the Korean-American community,
as we put our best foot forward to be the largest minority group in
Los Angeles." He scanned the crowd for a minute, and then said,
"That is, if our daughters do not continue to insist on dating white
and Hispanic guys who dress and behave like gangsta rappers."

South Korea, a nation of 48 million Koreans, has struggled for
wealth and independence in the highly competitive South Asian region
for many centuries, being tossed about between China and Japan like
an inflatable love-doll. "We decided, at last, to go to the source
of business knowledge in Asia: Southern California," said President
Roh Moo-hyun. "Since over a third of Los Angeles is owned by Asian
businesses, it is hard to say yet who is annexing whom."

Riordan dismissed fears that the new suburb would be too different
to integrate into LA's famously uniform escapist suburban culture.
"Nonsense," he said. "Los Angeles supports many kinds of diversity,
and we're sure South Korea will fit in just fine, as long as they
don't mind gated communities, noise regulations and numbering their
freeways according to our system."

Longtime LA resident Sarah Snyder expressed her surprise. "Well, how
about that," she said. "I guess the suburbs just keep expanding, so
it's bound to happen one of these days," she said, having a cup of
joe after her African-style pilates workout and positive thinking
orientation session at the New Wiccan Buddhist Temple in downtown LA
(next to the Scientology building and two doors down from a Tantric
chiropractor). Snyder said she welcomed the Koreans to LA, and hoped
that some of them would show up to make her congregation more

Beaming with confidence, Schwarzenegger expressed faith in the
process of assimilation. "People come here from all over, but pretty
soon, they've got Zen gardens next to the Chicken McNuggets and a
therapist session that evening, like everybody else," he said,
noting that although plans to open a "Mann's Chinese" theatre in
South Korea had met with rioting, there were no objections to
installing the world-famous "In-N-Out" burger chain next to temples
made seven millennia ago by ancient cultures. "It all just mixes,"
he said. "We are all immigrants here."

Not all residents were as concerned with welcoming the newcomers.
"Fucking Koreans," said Rufus Watanabe, who scrounges garbage cans
at roughly Wilshire and Mulholland, "We kicked their asses in that
war, even if the god damn politicians tied our hands. But if they
bring me discount AZT, or at least a 40, I'll be the welcome wagon."


Organized Crime Calls it Quits, Becomes Credit Reporting Agency

Russian-American News Service
20 January 2005 8:36 PM PST

Hoboken, New Jersy (RANS) - The once-mighty American organized crime
empire has called it quits, citing the increased bureaucracy
required to maintain a clandestine operation, and has turned over a
new leaf as a credit reporting agency. Boss Dymitry "Sonny"
Kaganovitz summed it up in his characteristic style: "We lost some
deductions with the last tax code, so now we're going for the fat
and putting the protection racket on the back burner."

According to Kaganovitz, while business in prostitution and heroin
trafficking increases under Republican administrations, the
continuing decline of America's economy to third-world levels has
caused a plateau effect. "We're used to this from the old country,"
he said. "Big leaders, oil prices ain't good, so we gonna hit 'em
where we're protected, and that's in credit reporting."

Credit reporting agencies are regulated minimally under federal law,
but are the primary source of information for lenders, renters and
arranged-marriage services. They track individuals by their Social
Security numbers, originally an identification reserved for
government use only in the process of taxation, and keep a "credit
rating" on each individual according to the number of debts owed on
that account. "There's almost no accountability, and if there's a
problem, it's up to the individual to contact us and pay us an
hourly to fix it. Beats pimpin' on the margins, and there's only one
level of government to bribe," said Kaganovitz.

Associate Ivan "Crusher" Sternovitch agreed. "All we gotta do is put
what businesses send to us inna the computer, and we got a whole
employment service of solid citizens for that," he said. "With the
national identification coming, and prolly linked through credit
cards, we're just on the up and up." Mentioning a frustration with
the intricacies of deducting machine gun parts and backstreet whore
abortions, he cited the pure legality of the enterprise as a
positive factor: "We've got the law on our side now," he said, "so
if you whisper about us, we fucking sue you. Simple and legal. Can't
beat it."

While Sternovitch denies that mob profits from traditional outlets
like gambling, protection services, drug running and child
pornography are down, Federal Bureau of Investigation special
detective Frank Rosales disagrees. "We're really putting the hurt on
these guys," he said. "Last month, we intercepted a record twelve
tons of marijuana, and we cleaned all the call girls from Central
Park," he said, from the four thousand square foot, waterfront
Victorian house in Connecticut he affords through "really watchin'
my pennies and dimes."

Although the federal government is proud of these figures, Bill
Cartwright at the National Organization for Reform of Marijuana
Laws, or NORML, disagrees. "Twelve tons? That's nothing," he said.
"If it were legal to have here at the office, and it's not so we
don't, we'd have at least that amount for staff meetings. They
always get the crappy weed, too, all bricked-out with the crushed
seeds that make bad smoke, like someone just left it out for them to
get and call it a day," he said, munching Fritos as he maneuvered a
digital car in a video game called "Grand Theft Auto III: Sodomy and

Kaganovitz laughs off such criticism. "First and foremost," he said,
"I'm a businessman, and I act on opportunity. We've got no
regulation, no accountability, and all we gotta do is answer the
phone when some idjit calls about a social, then give 'em the stuff
we have in our computers." He inhaled deeply from a Cuban cigar.
"Piece of cake, really."


Books: Looking Busy and Getting Ahead
by Lawrence Turnrist, New York Daily Book Review

Normally, I eschew the species of books that increasingly populates
the mahogany at even the best uptown bookstores, the somnolent
"self-help section." There is only so much one can tell those who
cannot tell themselves, says Maya Angelou, and I'm inclined to agree
with the greatest of African-American feminist poets on that one.
The field of literature is diminshed already by those who insist on
writing books about character and adventure long after such things
are irrelevant; today, art is in the individual, and for me to like
a book, it has to have a unique setting and direction, like Aleister
Shabaz Otuku's "The Birds of Parody Avenue," an uplifting tale about
Asian youth with African-American fathers learning to succeed in the
competitive pencil design industry despite being addicted to MDMA,
individualistic iconoclasts and delightfully bisexual. No self-help
book will reach that height of ingenuity and uniqueness! 

However, "Looking Busy and Getting Ahead" is, above all else, a
practical self-help guide. There are millions, just millions, of
self-help books about succeeding at work, and they all have the same
advice, like make contacts, communicate, and take responsibility for
your work. This book however takes a more practical approach,
because we all know that these days, jobs are just wasting time
until you can go out at night (don't miss "Ladies Night" at the
Ecclectic Flamingo on Tuesdays, boys - "women" should just stay
home!). Chapters are organized by what you'll actually be doing
during the day, such as Chapter Seven, "Ways to Stay Awake," which
goes beyond just counting paperclips and stealing office supplies;
it has useful exercises you can do with common office objects, tips
for building electroshock sequencers to keep you on your toes, and
tips for masturbating under a desk without giving the wrong
coworkers a free show. Not only that, but in Chapter Ten, there is a
handy guide to making up a language of your own, using common words
in business phone calls, to arrange meetings with associates and

In depth evasion gets big in Chapter Fourten, "Ten Thousand Things
to Xerox," which tells you how to find meaningless documents that
look important and require hours of photocopying, stapling and
filing, with appropriate pauses between, of course. As an Appendix,
there's a section on business laws, by state, regulating mandatory
break time and phone rules. My favorite chapter was the second,
which gets into the nitty-gritty of a filing system based on ancient
Egyptian astrological signs, but there's good detail all around for
today's busy modern employee. 

What I like best is that none of the methods mentioned in this book
will disrupt business in any way, because they take advantage of the
lack of productivity expected from a modern faceless drudge in an
office full of non-productive people; of course, they won't enhance
business either, but they'll protect your most important asset:
being inoffensive and following the rules, as that means,
eventually, you'll get promoted, and need volume two, "Looking
Proactive and Getting Ahead." It isn't what you normally expect from
this column, but try something new, and give it a read.
copyright © 2005 mock Him productions