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Nihilism, Futurist Traditionalism and Conservationism

A basic lesson in Dutch

14 05 10 - 14:08

One of our forum users is writing a guide to visiting the Netherlands. He had this helpful information for summer visitors:

If you're going on holidays this summer to spend your savings to help support foreign economies in these times of crisis, then you've probably already decided where you will go this year. You may have already bought tickets to festivals and set dates with friends, perhaps to hook up with people you know from the internet!

At anus.com we've gathered Hessian experts from around the world to teach you the ways of their countries. Forget about those small books that tell you how to buy a loaf of bread in 20 different languages, that's not going to do you any good when you're standing knee-deep in mud at a festival and want to ask the guy in front of you where he got that awesome vintage eighties Slayer patch.


English: "Hey dude. Is there anything to do around here?"
Dutch: "Hey gast. Valt er nog wat te beleven hier?"

English: "Did you ever hear Ddzingghajakakaka? They're a great kvlt black metal band from Greenland."
Dutch: "Heb je ooit gehoord van Ddzingghajakakaka? Da's een geweldige kvlt black metal band uit Groenland"


English: "Man, I'm telling you they sold out on their second album."
Dutch: "Man, ik zeg toch ze hebben met hun tweede plaat gewoon uitverkocht."


English: "I really think that cd is shit."
Dutch: "Ik vind die cd echt bagger."

English: "What a shitty band."
Dutch: "Wat een klote band zeg."

English: "I cut my finger on this cd and it gave me AIDS."
Dutch: "Ik sneed mijn vinger aan deze cd en daardoor kreeg ik AIDS."

Now, a word on obscenities. Bagger literary means mud. But when you call something other than mud bagger it means shit. For instance:

Dutch: Ik vind die cd echt bagger.
English: I really think that cd is shit.

As a result of American movies it's also perfectly fine to use the term "shit" in a conversation.

Dutch: "Nee serieus, die cd is echt shit."
English: "No seriously, that cd is really shit."

But if you really want to impress people you invent your own cuss words by sticking existing words together (for kicks that is what I'd go for)

Dutch: "We kunnen er lang over discussieren maar het blijft gewoon een poepcd."
English: "We can have a lengthy discussion about it but it's still just a shitcd."

Now if you wanted to refer to your pants then "poepen" or "schijten" is most common, "kakken" is also optional but it's a little more old fashioned.

Dutch: "Nadat ik die cd had beluisterd viel ik in slaap. Toen ik wakker werd was mijn kat dood en had ik in mijn broek gescheten."
English: "After I listened to that cd I fell asleep. When I woke up my cat was dead and I had pooped in my pants."

Variations would be ...in mijn broek gepoept. And ...in mijn broek gekakt.

It's important to note that in Dutch slang "kakker" is used to refer to stiff boring middle- and upperclass people who dress neatly and tend to live in wealthy neighborhoods. So if you'd call a cd a kakcd then it would mean the cd is stiff upperclass. Antisocial working- and lower class people are called "tokkies" btw. Calling a cd a tokkiecd does work.

Dutch: "Marduk is gewoon een tokkieband."
English: "Marduk is just a tokkieband."

But now I shall present you the crown. In the Netherlands for decades there's been an orchestra made up of mentally handicapped people. It's called the Jostiband. As an expression it doesn't have much to do with the act of defecating but it has everything to do with being retarded. So if you really want to impress friends with your extensive knowledge of the Dutch people and culture be sure to refer to the Jostiband.

Dutch: "I heb Marduk ooit live gezien en het was net de Jostiband."
English: "I saw Marduk live once and it was just like the Jostiband."

For bonus points: The Jostiband and of course, this.

Hope that helps all you budding travelers. While you're in the Netherlands, see if you can find Asphyx, Sinister, Ceremony, or Pestilence lounging about and buy them a beer.