Thoughts of a Metal Hipster

20 06 11 - 10:42

If you don't like CYNIC, you're homophobic.

If you don't like ARCH ENEMY, you're misogynistic.

If you don't like GOJIRA, you're racist.

If you don't like NILE, you're Anti-Semitic.

If you don't like SUFFOCATION, you're classist.

If you don't like LAMB OF GOD, you're religiously intolerant.

If you don't like CAVALERA CONSPIRACY, you're elitist.

If you don't like CRADLE OF FILTH, you're closed-minded.

If you don't like OPETH, you're not intellectual.

If you don't like MESHUGGAH, you're not one of the good guitarists.

If you don't like DEVIN TOWNSEND, you're arbitrary.

If you don't like JIMI HENDRIX, you're uncultured.

If you don't like SIX FEET UNDER, you're not in touch with the common man.

If you don't like BORIS, you're unimaginative.

If you don't like JESU, you're insensitive.

If you don't like ANIMALS AS LEADERS, you're unintelligent.

If you don't like MASTODON, you're unartistic.

If you don't like BARONESS, you're uptight.

If you don't like THE SWORD, you're celibate.

If you don't like WOLVES IN THE THRONE ROOM, you're just no fun.

If you don't like ULVER, you're uneducated.

If you don't like ISIS, you're illiterate.

If you don't like BETWEEN THE BURIED AND ME, you're shortsighted.

If you don't like KVERTELAK, you're antiquated.

If you don't like SUNN O))), you're obsolete.

If you don't like AGALLOCH, you're one-dimensional.

People like you who sit around listening to classics like DEMILICH, INCANTATION, MASSACRA, OBITUARY, INFESTER, DEMIGOD, IMMOLATION, ATHEIST, THERION, HELLHAMMER, BATHORY, SLAYER, DISCHARGE, AMEBIX, DARKTHRONE, BURZUM, EMPEROR, IMMORTAL, ENSLAVED, GORGOROTH, RIGOR MORTIS, MAYHEM, MERCILESS, BOLT THROWER, SUFFOCATION, NIHILIST, CARNAGE, AT THE GATES, SKEPTICISM, WINTER, DISEMBOWELMENT, MORBID ANGEL, POSSESSED, NECROVORE, MASSACRE, GROTESQUE, DISSECTION, ILDJARN, BLOOD, MASTER, CIANIDE, BAPHOMET, BEHERIT, SUMMONING, BELIAL, DBC, COC, DRI, FEARLESS IRANIANS FROM HELL, DEAD HORSE, LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN, MALEVOLENT CREATION, GEHENNA, FRANZ SCHUBERT, ANGEL WITCH, JUDAS PRIEST, IRON MAIDEN, BLITZKRIEG, WITCHFINDER GENERAL, EXODUS, NUCLEAR ASSAULT, ASSASSIN, CORONER, SAMAEL, FALLEN CHRIST, ANTON BRUCKNER, OBLIVEON, GORGUTS, SUPURATION, LOUDBLAST, KONG, WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART, NUNSLAUGHTER, NUM SKULL, SEPULTURA, SARCOFAGO, MOTORHEAD, PRONG, ROBERT SCHUMANN, IMPRECATION, BLASPHEMY, NUCLEAR DEATH, MOLESTED and UNLEASHED are just bitter, old, gray, ugly, failed, burnt-out, dumb, uneducated, trailer-dwelling, smelly, unsociable people that no one really likes and no one will have sex with, so you'll die alone in the stench of your own waste.

77 comments

burshy

so. this is a very dumb blog post.

burshy - 20-06-’11 11:06
Levy_Spearmen

So, hipsters supposedly hold their values by not holding them? Damn, they need to die, like fags.

Levy_Spearmen - 20-06-’11 11:14
derpster

J.S. Bach > Mozart

Just sayin’

derpster - 20-06-’11 11:30
Hipster

You forgot Ceremonium.

Hipster - 20-06-’11 11:59
J.S. Bach

Ranting on your favorite site won’t do anything. Suck my three part fugue.

J.S. Bach - 20-06-’11 12:01
Kontinual Adventures

Doctor tells Kontinual he will soon die of Aids. Kontinual laughs, he thinks he’s safe because he is wearing a condom.

Private Kontinual on the battlefield. He throws a grenade agains the enemy and ducks. The enemy returns the grenade, this time with the safety ring off.

What’s the difference between Kontinual and a candle?
A: a candle is brilliant.

Kontinual as a little kid. “Mom, the house smells funny, did somebody die in here?!”
“Mom?”, “Mom?”, “Mom?”

Why does Kontinual always shave in the morning?
A: he doesn’t want to look just like his mother.

Kontinual’s first time at a casino: “I love these slot machines, every time I insert a coin I win!”
“Although I’m not too sure what to do with all these beverage cans”.

Kontinual Adventures - 20-06-’11 12:02
Hipster

Yeah, and I thought DLA liked Jesu, Mastodon, Nile, Jimi Hendrix and Suffocation. Right?

Hipster - 20-06-’11 12:03
Gay Mentor

Levy_Spearmen u mad? i thought u luved to get buttfucked by tiny midget! u just need to accept your sexuality and come out of the closet hun, we all know you luv cock so don’t even try to pretend u straight cause ur not! u drool over big black fat cock!

Gay Mentor - 20-06-’11 12:08
a typical useless moron

What’s the point of all this? Ryan Dunn is dead so my life is falling to pieces right now! He was one of the coolest and funniest guys on TV! RIP Ryan Dunn. I will miss you buddy!

a typical useless moron - 20-06-’11 12:30
Elect Ryan Dunn 2012

Ryan Dunn was a fag. I only wish the rest of the cast of Jackass was in the van. That would’ve made me smile. :)

Elect Ryan Dunn 2012 - 20-06-’11 13:21
another typical useless moron

Ryan Dunn was the coolest of Jackass! I never met him but because I saw him on TV so many times it felt like I really knew him so I’m very sad right now. It feels like I lost a friend. RIP.

another typical useless moron - 20-06-’11 14:00
finally.

good to see some honesty here.

finally. - 20-06-’11 14:00
Eternal hessian heroes!! They live on in our hearts!!

RIP Seth Putnam, Ronnie James Dio and Ryan Dunn!!

Eternal hessian heroes!! They live on in our hearts!! - 20-06-’11 14:16
White_Power_Rebel

Last night I came home from the bar and found my wife in bed with a nigger! He even threw me out of my own house! What this country needs is a race war! 18/88!!

White_Power_Rebel - 20-06-’11 15:01
Suffocation are literally better than any band in the last list

So what’s the new aspie argument against Suffocation? Didn’t you guys like them? Do they promote the individual and go against the mystical higher incentive of promoting a perfect Nietzschian society or something?

Suffocation are literally better than any band in the last list - 20-06-’11 15:14
hurfdurf

Silly hipsters. They just can’t understand the classic bands like NUM SKULL

hurfdurf - 20-06-’11 15:16
kw;le

NUM SKULL and FRANZ SCHUBERT

kw;le - 20-06-’11 15:19
Levi jeans

Mozart was the mind-numbing pop music of his time. He only wrote to entertain idiots aristocrats. If you want good classical either go backwards (Bach) or forward (Mahler, Schoenberg, Scriabin etc).

Levi jeans - 20-06-’11 15:33
fuck you anus

Suffocation is better than every band on that list, and nobody in Nile is Jewish. Also, Supuration, Loudblast, Num Skull, Fallen Christ, and Assassin are all terrible bands, but then again, I’m pretty sure that you lazy fucks just did a quick ctrl-c ctrl-v job with the band list and threw in Schubert and Bach for good measure. I remember when this site and Corrupt used to be great reading, back in like ’05/‘06, but now all you do is talk in circles. Speckmann told you to clear your fuckin’ mind, but you elected not to listen.

fuck you anus - 20-06-’11 16:41
pooop

Not even trying to be mean, this post is really fucking spergy. I know that word gets tossed around a lot, but really. Y’know how autists have these complex hierarchies of cartoons/toys/metal bands/whatever in their heads all worked out, and tons of idiosyncrasies they expect everyone else to understand, but damned if they could ever explain it? Brucker in the same list as second rate thrash bands like Merciless, lol.

pooop - 20-06-’11 17:14
Bruckner rather

8==>

Bruckner rather - 20-06-’11 17:14
Jesus Christ Lord

@ pooop

It’s not called “thrash” you moronic cunt! It’s speed metal! Dammit these emo-fags coming here to suck so much cock…

Jesus Christ Lord - 20-06-’11 17:29
Yeah!

Yeah, let Anus explain it in detail:

“The technique that defines speed metal is the muted strum, where the palm of the strumming hands rests on the strings, making a short percussive blast of distortion instead of a ringing chord. As a result, speed metal sounded like the machines of the 1980s: blasting like factories, rattling like tank treads and chattering like computers and their printers.”

SEE? Merciless sound like printers.

Yeah! - 20-06-’11 18:00
trololo

>mfw Suffocation is on both lists

trololo - 20-06-’11 18:10
There's classic Suffocation and newer Suffocation

Haha, Suffocation is also in the last list, faggot.

There's classic Suffocation and newer Suffocation - 20-06-’11 18:18
bibhj

If you sing like the cookie monster, it’s obvious your band has nothing to say other than DEATH! KILL! TEEN ANGST! Why don’t you faggots listen to some real metal like Venom or Judas Priest.

bibhj - 20-06-’11 18:24
Not A Hipster

Good to see anus finally praising some bands of worth. All homophobes and racists need to open their minds. The latter group mentioned in the article need to leave the hall! (Manowar reference LOL \m/)

Not A Hipster - 20-06-’11 19:56
Notkorn

You are all wearing out your minds and wasting your time with retarded, antiquated bullshit (“nihilism”, Nietzsche, Plato etc.). You should be reading about science, business, fitness, or ANYTHING that actually enables you to DO SOMETHING in life and know how the world works as opposed to the whiny musings of some travelling bohemian that aren’t even relevant today.

Notkorn - 20-06-’11 21:19
snap yo fingaz snap yo nek

>Prong
>classic

snap yo fingaz snap yo nek - 20-06-’11 21:20
Metal Fan

Anyone know any good metal in the vein of Blind Guardian? You know, metal that could actually be called music? I’m thinking I might check out Symphony X and Adagio. New Therion is kind of cool too but too simple and monotonous sometimes.

Metal Fan - 20-06-’11 22:18
mandrk

you forgot Behemoth

mandrk - 20-06-’11 22:19
Unholy Grounds

Anus faggots pay attention, this is an underlooked recent metal album that shows us all how it’s fucking DONE when it comes to making good metal.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WXeHT661xM

Unholy Grounds - 20-06-’11 22:25
Ad Veritas!

If you don’t like BLIND GUARDIAN, you’re a faggot.

If you don’t like DEATH, you shouldn’t be listening to death metal.

If you don’t like FALCONER, you’re 12 years old and overcompensating for being bullied at school.

Ad Veritas! - 20-06-’11 22:37
The Angry Black Metal Elitist

Noktorn you’re an idiot and your gay reviews at the metal-archives suck so much dick they make Ultraboris look like a genius. Your life must be so exciting you need to come here and let us know you don’t have time to come here cause you’re so buys. Fuck your mother fag!

@ Metal Fan
It’s obvious you don’t like metal, you like rock music that sounds like metal. You’re a poser and you’re gay. You’re asking for something that sounds better than Blind Gayrdian? Try listening to your mother’s moaning when she gets anally-fucked by my juicy-jumbo veiny fun tool!

@ Ad Veritas!
We already established Falconer is noob rock and you’re retarded. You need help to overcome your down-syndrome but Falconer won’t help you since it will only keep you distracted from realizing you’re a worthless piece of shit. Go back to your limp biskit cds and stay away from the Metal websites.

The Angry Black Metal Elitist - 20-06-’11 22:54
you should feel bad

All those bands on the second list are godawful and listening to them is a waste of time. The riffs are terrible, atonal tremolo picked shit with no sense of key or melody whatsoever. The structures are usually “repeat riff A 4 times, repeate riff B 4 times”, or just a clusterfuck. Just bad, bad, bad fucking music.

you should feel bad - 20-06-’11 22:54
Malleus Faggoticarum

@ The Angry Black Metal Elitist

You’re a faggot and your bedroom project and blog are a joke. Hang yourself from the rafter in your parents’ attic, queer.

Oh, and while you’re at it, learn some respect for music, especially metal, that actually manages to be good, it’s a fucking rarity in this microcosm of keyboard imbeciles trying to prove they’re tough by how monochrome or how many demons there are on the album cover of their shitty album from 1992.

Malleus Faggoticarum - 20-06-’11 22:57
listening to superior, complex and melodic music

@ The Angry Black Metal Elitist

Also you seem to have a lot of dick on the mind, what’s the problem, son? Have you come out to your puritan working class parents yet, you fucking uneducated prole?

listening to superior, complex and melodic music - 20-06-’11 22:58
Mikael Asskerplunkfeldtgoodthefirst time

We could always talk about naked men and penises. I am game for that.

Mikael Asskerplunkfeldtgoodthefirst time (Email ) - 20-06-’11 23:27
I'M DISSAPOINT

LOL WTF? EVEN BLIND GUARDIAN HAVE GONE METALCORE?

I'M DISSAPOINT - 20-06-’11 23:28
if u dun like slipknot u mus liek britney

durrrrrrrp if u dont like metul ur a hipster

if u dun like slipknot u mus liek britney - 20-06-’11 23:41
I mean come on

where the fuck do you hear metalcore in that

I mean come on - 20-06-’11 23:42
Long live DARK LEGIONS ARCHIVE

There are only three SUFFOCATION releases of worth: “Reincremation” demo, “Effigy of the Forgotten” and the “Human Waste” EP. Later they became a paragon for “brutal death metal” and got imitated by thousands of slam clones.
Cynic’s “Focus” isn’t that bad; remember “Elements” or “Spheres” good albums too, unique for the times they were released and yet still meaningful masterpieces. But many tried just to steal the form without it’s content (remember the themes in “Focus” – they incl. Hindu insights) just to seem “avantgarde” to the more-ons /morons/.
About Ulver… well, that is /was?/ the SHITTIEST band ever existed in Norway. “Natten MadriGAPE THEM ALL” was the first 1001% hipster “BM” album. Ulver should be sold to the Taliban or to the long-bearded beheaders in Northern Caucasus for slavery and body organs trade.
Now let’s play some good ol’ DEATH STRIKE, G.I.S.M. or CANCER.

P.s. This post was great and must shine like a manifest in its own. Hail DLA/

Long live DARK LEGIONS ARCHIVE - 21-06-’11 00:40
has a better taste in music than you

so much fail in that “classics” list

has a better taste in music than you - 21-06-’11 00:41
Cannibals as Leaders

DEATH TO ALL HIPSTERS, DEATH IN MUSLIM TENTS OR AFGHAN CAVES. DEATH IN TURKISH PRISONS, DEATH IN TAIGA VILLAGES, DEATH BY STABBING IN METROS OR CROWDED MALLS, DEATH IN THEIR OWN ARTSY HOMES.

DEATH TO ALL HIPSTERS.

Cannibals as Leaders - 21-06-’11 00:45
I listen to COCK

THE DLA HAS OFFICIALLY JUMPED THE SHARK

I listen to COCK - 21-06-’11 00:55
asspie blogger of cock

let’s just throw KONG in there as well, fuck it

asspie blogger of cock - 21-06-’11 00:58
DLA

…DEAD HORSE, LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN, MALEVOLENT CREATION

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

DLA - 21-06-’11 01:02
Cocks in the [Dark]Throne [Reh]Room

Beside death metal, classical and Kraftwerk there’s only two styles deserving respect – crust punk and early Detroit techno (DIRECTLY inspired by Kraftwerk). All the rest can die in Pakistani torture chambers.

Cocks in the [Dark]Throne [Reh]Room - 21-06-’11 01:06
Cocks in the [Dark]Throne [Reh]Room

disregard that, I only said the above to get the taste of cock out of my mouth.

Cocks in the [Dark]Throne [Reh]Room - 21-06-’11 01:16
Foreskin Poetry

DEATH TO ALL HIPSTERS. DEATH BY HANGING IN TEHRAN, DEATH ON THE MINEFIELDS IN CAMBODIA. DEATH IN THE HANDS OF THE ALBANIAN MAFIA, DEATH UNDER THE TANKS IN SYRIA, DEATH BY STONES ORDERED BY ISLAMIC COURTS, DEATH BY HIDDEN BOMBS IN ARTSY CAFES IN PARIS, DEATH BY ISRAELI SECRET OPERATIONS, DEATH IN MASS GRAVES IN MEXICO.

DEATH TO ALL HIPSTERS.

Foreskin Poetry - 21-06-’11 01:18
Cocks in the [Dark]Throne [Reh]Room

I said what I said! Period. Just gimme your cock honey or get disemboweled in the depths of Somalia.

THE NEXT THOUSAND HIPSTERS SHOULD LIE DEAD ON THE STREETS OF YEMEN

Cocks in the [Dark]Throne [Reh]Room - 21-06-’11 01:30
Death bless all hipsters 24hrs/7days a week

I’d better die alone in the stench of my own waste than dyeing my hair purple and having a boa for a pet.

Master and Repulsion are the real thing, Mastodon and Isis are pure shit.

Death bless all hipsters 24hrs/7days a week - 21-06-’11 02:39
Hendrix was great but a hipster per se

The real stuff

HOWLINWOLF: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6VTKsEA-nbs
BO DIDDLEY: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewwe89dtEyE
ROBERT JOHNSON: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dkftesK2dck

Hendrix was great but a hipster per se - 21-06-’11 03:06
Protococks of the Hipsters of Zion

BAD BRAINS http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aWWI2rGdda4

Protococks of the Hipsters of Zion - 21-06-’11 03:10
l.m.f.a.o.

“I’d better die alone in the stench of my own waste than dyeing my hair purple and having a boa for a pet.”

… do you aspies even know what a hipster is? Seriously, you’re more clueless than 14th century Euros who thought the Chinese had dog faces and heads on their chests. I laugh at how hopelessly out of touch you are with reality.

l.m.f.a.o. - 21-06-’11 03:12
l.m.f.a.o. has a dog-face

CHUCK BERRY: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTnoSsaeOn0
GREATER THAN THE JUNKIE HENDRIX. DEATH TO HIPSTERS.

l.m.f.a.o. has a dog-face - 21-06-’11 03:14
fellow hipster

i concur

fellow hipster - 21-06-’11 03:15
V-ice

http://www.viceland.com/ca/

Essential hipster literature, note that metal neckbeards have oft made the “don’t“s.

V-ice - 21-06-’11 03:21
Levy_Spearmen

“Why does Kontinual always shave in the morning? A: he doesn’t want to look just like his mother.”

This had confused me deeply as women tend to usually not have facial hair.

Levy_Spearmen - 21-06-’11 07:55
fucking shnarndas

Derpy duh, fumpy fooh, smamp carndie carndie carn. Dut dut dut dut dut.

fucking shnarndas - 21-06-’11 10:05
Leperchaun

Amen.

Leperchaun - 21-06-’11 12:12
Mike Gainer Reigns Here

Fuck hipsters, I’m more curious to know what these witty people who comment on this blog are like off the computer. I bet they can hold a great conversation LOL.

Mike Gainer Reigns Here - 21-06-’11 13:27
Multicultural ANUS - learning something new every day

So the Chinese don’t have dog faces and heads on their chests?

Multicultural ANUS - learning something new every day - 21-06-’11 16:18
@Mike Gainer Reigns Here

Yes, if you can get past their social awkwardness and start a fucking conversation to begin with.

@Mike Gainer Reigns Here - 21-06-’11 16:21
sun metal fan

this site needs more solar or sun metal like wiht, the next burzum!

sun metal fan - 22-06-’11 04:14
Metal Nigger

This site sucks because it’s no good and it supports bad music and encourages the silliness of the aspies.

Metal Nigger - 22-06-’11 15:08
Metal enthusiast

If you consider anything DEATH or BLACK metal as CLASSIC, you’re probably an aspie.

Metal enthusiast - 22-06-’11 15:09
Friedrich

Just great! hahaha! Keep it up!

Friedrich (Email ) - 22-06-’11 15:16
Piss off, brat

If you don’t like old school death & black metal but try to pass it off by making a gay-ass list of new bands which you can stand listening to because you are too young to even TRY to understand what metal is all about, just die!

Piss off, brat - 22-06-’11 17:50
lol @ your retarded oldskewl posturing and depressingly boring music

^ 15 year old faggot detected

give it a rest, everyone forgot about those shitty bands when they graduated high school in 1994

even the bandmembers dont give a fuck anymore, or have drunk themselves to death/committed suicide, like all noble life-embracing Hessians of death amirite?

lol @ your retarded oldskewl posturing and depressingly boring music - 22-06-’11 19:17
Lv 18 Julius Eevee ⚣

Mozart’s music crushes the mechanical droning of Bach and the autistic rants of Beethoven alike.

Lv 18 Julius Eevee ⚣ - 23-06-’11 13:23
fuckanus

Finally Anus is right about something

fuckanus - 23-06-’11 17:40
fuckanus

“If you don’t like BLIND GUARDIAN, you’re a faggot.”

lololol so much irony in this statement

“If you don’t like DEATH, you shouldn’t be listening to death metal.”

death only released a few real death metal albums that are unremarkable by today’s standards before becoming a prog metal band

“If you don’t like FALCONER, you’re 12 years old and overcompensating for being bullied at school.”

ORLY? it’s fuckin obvious that more people who do like falconer fit that description than people who don’t…you’re prolly an example of that too lololol

fuckanus - 23-06-’11 17:58
Franny

Funny, considering Agalloch and Townsend put out The Mantle and Biomech respectively — which are easily top-tier metal albums. Still, I suppose they still pale in comparison to third-rate Thrash like Num Skull and Prong. After all, DLA says so!

Franny (Email ) - 24-06-’11 01:39
???

why the hell are old anus readers "trolling" this site?

people are fucking pathetic

??? - 25-06-’11 06:18
@ fuckanus

Blind Guardias first two recs are goog. Falconer is homosexual kiddie music, could be in the background for Sesame Street Big Bird dancing over it and kids would not notice it’s “metal”. Falconer is music for 6 yr olds and after that, if you like them you might as well listen to them with you Power Rangers costume and ready to suck penis.

@ fuckanus - 26-06-’11 06:09
@ faganus

youre a faggot

early bg blows ass too

jesus christ, get some taste

@ faganus - 27-06-’11 21:22


(optional field)
(optional field)

Remember personal info?
Small print: All html tags except <b> and <i> will be removed from your comment. You can make links by just typing the url or mail-address.