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Another file in the seemingly endless series of Lord Blix/Helstar Stormbringer
                             "HATE ILLUSTRATED"
                                   files
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                               "Bomb Threats"


Hello boys and girls and welcome to another installment of the "Hate
Illustrated" series. Today, me and the Stormbringer will be talking about a
great way to get out of classes, bomb threats. I'm sure that we all remember
leaving elementary school and standing out in the hot sun for several hours
while the police searched your school for expolosives. Back then, I thought of the caller as some heavy-breathing freak but now I realize that he is a guy just like you and me, a heavy-breathing freak. Now, here are the steps to
getting your entire school out of classes for at least a few hours...

1. THE PHONE CALL. Obviously. This is the most important step as if you didn't call them, it probably wouldn't work. Message isn't that important yet, just the location. The best thing to do, of course, is call from a pay phone. A SECLUDED pay phone at that; you want NOBODY to notice or hear you when you make the call.

2. THE TIME. Another important point. If you call around 7:30 or 8 in the
morning, chances are, they won't believe you. You'll sound like a disgruntled student calling to get out of class. Also, don't call after school for the next day or anything. This will give them a chance to search the premises for anything. No, the best thing to do is to escape from class about an hour before the class you want to get out of. Example: If your third period class is having a test, you ask to be excused at the end of first.

3. THE MESSAGE. Another very important point. You can't just call the school
and scream "I'M GONNA BLOW YOU TO TINY BITS!" and expect them to take you seriously. You must call the school, inform them that you don't want anybody
hurt in this, you have a protest that you feel should be aired, the approximate time your device should detonate, and a few other things that will make you sound convincing... Here is a sample dialog:

[rrrring, rrrrring, CLICK...]

School: "Hello?"

Evil heavy-breathing freak: "Hello, I am calling to let you know that I have
planted an explosive device in your school's library. But before you think I'm crazy, let me explain myself. I am doing this all in protest of [any current descision by school or school district]. I have exhausted all channels of complaint and I now feel that this is the only means left to me. I really don't want anybody hurt."

School: Uuuumm, yes sir. [trying to stall for time] and just when did you say
this explosive was to go off?

You: I didn't [chuckle] as I'm not that good at doing this kind of thing. I
would guess about [halfway through third period]. Now, I must go.

Phone: CLICK


4. WHO TO CALL. Here are a few ideas as to whom to call.

        a. the school: Of course
        b. the police dept.: Explain situation
        c. the fire dept.: Again, explain need for their services
        d. any local newspaper: A good idea, but allow more time
        e. news station: A good one.
        f. local church: "Pray for them, father!!"


If you follow these instructions, it is guaranteed that you will get out of class and catch a bit of sun. Oh well, the old clock on the wall says it's
time to sleep a bit more. But first, let us leave you with a few notes:

A FEW NOTES.

        a. ALWAYS call from a pay phone and if possible, use a diverter
                anyway.
        b. Do NOT get extravagent!  "I am Dr. Zorbo from Krapton and I
                have planted a sub-nuclear thermoelectric anti-matter
                bomb in your place of education... HA HA HA HA!!"
        c. Make sure that NO ONE is around to hear you make the call.
        d. Use current vents as to reason for calling. (ie. new district
                superintendant, falling grades, bad teachers)
        e. Trying to sound crazy is not a good idea.
        f. Take careful notice as to the times in which you call.

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