when i was really young, adults baffled me. i could smell their death fear like old clothes kept in closets for winter. they did many things that weren't part of reality. they upkept pretense, like not talking about someone who was dying. they spent time pretending to be things they were not, or being with people they didn't like. their houses were ornate, difficult, diligent, filigreed, beautiful, and so fragile inside. it wasn't made for me. farting and shitting were bad things to talk about. you couldn't be naked. and you couldn't make other people feel bad, but if they did it to you, you were supposed to ignore it.

when i saw ferris bueller's day off, i realized what that filmmaker hit upon: adults are morons, when you're more focused on life than the means of living.

nihilism is not self-pity. it's not giving up. it's seeing no value except what is actually there. a patch of land is a beautiful place, not a landmark to all those who died. forget it - they're dead. they don't care, you shouldn't. you laud them in hopes someone will care about your own mortality, but there is nothing you can do about dying. you will go. the time is written on the wall. evading death by changing its image in your head is not only dishonest, it's ineffective. zero recorded successes so far in all of human history.

nihilism is about stripping away all value but the inherent. i have some time here to live my life. i need food and a place to live. i like doing some things, and not others, but i do both when i have to. impressing other people only helps in the social game, but does not change reality. it's using other people as a mirror in which to see your self. oh, he likes my mercedes or democratic party convention ticket, therefore i'm important. it's the ultimate lack of self-confidence to do this. you need your reflection in another's eyes to tell you your self-worth? even in love: that's crazy. love yourself, and then you can choose another, instead of needing her.

my nihilism is my desire to see life as it is, so i don't waste the time i have. i don't like corporate jobs, but i don't like any jobs that require more time than is necessary; you may laugh at the germans for their efficiency expert mentality, but to me, that's pure goethe. get the task done quickly so you have time to do whatever it is that makes you feel more whole, makes you get better each time you do it. start a garden, practice your handwriting, fix a car, paint a great work, or even a mediocre doodle. talk to friends, feast with friends, become intoxicated in joy, fall in love. we exist in a function world where money is importance, power is self-confidence, sex is love and codependency is friendship. nihilism pulls all that away.

oh, you'd like a technical definition of nihilism. in theory i'm good at such things. here's mine: nihilism is a removal of all value but the immanent according to physical reality. there is no dualistic secondary world ("heaven" and "hell") and there is no dualistic secondary world which is the master plan for this one ("truth," "purity" and neoplatonism). truth is an interpretation, design is a concept derived from observation. realize that DNA is part of the animal it creates; there is no databank in the sky with a universal plan. one world, one universe, one continuous life-force that created it. but i was giving you a technical definition: nihilism is only seeing what's there.

humanity has overgrown its bounds, of course, and our society is much bigger than it ever has been before. so much that with our technology we've conquered nature, and there's nothing to reign us in. we make our own rules. the result is that we've gotten bloated. too many people, too many tasks that don't actually do anything. too much religion, too much personal and political pretense, too much interpersonal politics and fear of offending others. nihilism is getting back to reality. nihilism is.

the usual response by people in thrall of the meaninglessness is to say, "well, that won't put food on your table, and right now, this is what's in charge." they said that the day before rome fell, too. my truth is dancing on your grave. my truth has also kept me from wasting more time than was necessary in a corporate job, or academia, or other places that can be useful but aren't goals in themselves. no, they're means. i don't believe every corporate job is bad, or that all of society is bad, or that all of academia is bad, but they have to be tools and not the end product. if all you want is a career, well, i'll ask you, mr smartypants: what's the heroism in that?

nihilism is the first step toward heroism. everything that you hold as immortal or immortally important about the current time falls away. everything changes, and it will all crumble into dust. everything you write, everything you say, everything you do. and there is no god in the sky, or great intellect somewhere, which will preserve your thoughts and say, "there!; there, that was Truth!" - meaning is only to you, and when you are done, it is gone. and there is no way around this, and it exists this way for a reason. accept it, and your whole life is yours. deny it and spend your life running in circles, fighting it.