National Lowered Standards Day (August 4)

For years, we have struggled to maintain higher standards, but it just hasn't worked. It's inconvenient. To recognize this, we propose a Federal holiday to celebrate a lowest common denominator state of mind. This is the National Lowered Standards Day, and we celebrate it every August 4:

Sort of do your job and watch apathetically as it fails.
Watch TV, eat junk food and post your tits on mySpace.
Avoid heavy tools. Duct tape and paperclips fix everything.
If you see a problem, wait for someone else to handle it.
Make sure to avoid inconvenient studying or working hard.
Don't waste time cleaning up -- throw it on the floor instead.
Even better, throw it directly into a National Forest!

Our slogan is "Good enough is the best it gets!" Celebrate our decline as a civilization to dysfunctional levels of corruption, incompetence, apathy, laziness, filth and confusion. We don't want to get our act together. It's just not convenient.

Text message your senators and half-heartedly demand this new holiday. We've been praising ourselves for trivial accomplishments while killing productivity, celebrating the mediocre, norming to minimum standards, and happily ignoring the consequences of our actions for years. Now we need to make it official.

Lower your standards and join us -- we are the (immediate) future!