Scene 1- A ruined studio in North Hollywood. Unregistered custodial workers dutifully mop up sewage and debris in the background.
Mike: Wow this place is STILL a mess.
Kurt: Ja, und the smell is worse than a Dachau barrack!
(Abe walks in, clad in Beastie Boys tshirt- he is carrying a large Burger King bag.)
Abe: Hey guys- oy! The tsuris of this studio! We still have to work in here?
Kurt: Ze damage has put Stealing-McFaddish too far ofer budget. We vill haf to continue ze show in here.
Mike: It figures. Hey Abe throw me a burger!
Abe (with three burgers in hand/mouth): Mfffht! Fucthk you! Geth yer own!
Scene 2- A nearby Burger King
Mike: Yeah ok, so 2 King-sized number three combos, and… ahhh what the hell, I’d like a strawberry milkshake too.
Cashier: You want both drinks, right?
Mike: Of course! (to customer behind him) Hey what are you looking at, buddy? Christ, you’d think nobody ever saw a Borknagar shirt before!
Scene 3- The Studio
Kurt: Where is Mike? Ve haf only eight minutes until ve are live.
Abe: Whatever, Heinrich. He’s probably on his way back. Just as long as he’s here by showtime- it’s not like we have a script or anything.
Kurt: Vell, actually you do. Zere is a fifteen page script for each show. (reaches for script mired in black seepage)
Abe: Gimme that. Ugh, this thing smells! Hey, you’re right. There’s a bunch of stuff in here we’re supposed to say- plugging bands whose labels pay for the biggest ads, talking about the magazine… hmmm seems like we’re supposed to talk about the same 6 bands every time…
(Mike bursts into the studio)
Mike (gasping): Oh man! Am I late? That special order I made at Burger King seemed to upset them (slips and falls on slimy floor) GAHHHH!
Kurt and Abe: Ughhh…
Abe: Great. Now you’re covered in shit.
Kurt: Und now ve haf 3 minutes until ze show.
Mike: Shit! Oh man! Abe, do you have a spare shirt?
Abe (sighs): Yes, but it’s my Enthroned Darkness Triumphant shirt, so don’t mess it up! It’s a classic!
Mike: It’s XXL, right?
Abe (hands Mike the shirt): Yes, one of the few. Why the fuck don’t bands cater to their fans more? They almost never make XXL!
Mike: Ok, let me just get this on (takes off shirt)
Abe, Kurt, and custodians: UGGGGH!
Custodian #1: ¡Que Gordo!
Custodian #2: ¡Tienes razon! ¡Que horror!
Kurt: Ve are on ze air now!
Abe: Uh… Welcome to Meal Maniacs! This week we have reviews for High on Fire, Pig Destroyer, and Meshuggah, plus we will discuss in depth how the Arch Enemy singer is so hot!
Mike (struggling with shirt): Urf! Oh man, yeah she is SO hot! Urgh… hey Abe, this shirt is an XL , you dumbass!
Abe: No it’s an XXL, like I told you! Maybe you’re just too much of a fatass to fit in it!
Mike: Hey, fuck you! (shoves Abe)
Abe: No, fuck you! (shoves Mike harder)
Mike: HEY!
(both shove each other, then slip and fall on the slimy floor)
Mike: Arrrgh! Christ!
Abe: Oh you fucker! My Dimmu Borgir shirt! (leaps on Mike)
(both begin rolling around on the floor hitting one another)
(phone rings) Kurt: Jawohl? Yes, Mr. McFaddish, I sink we haf another successful episode. Oh yes, I will make sure to put the Century Media banner higher on ze set next time. I agree ve must be sure it is clearly seen. I vill tell ze boys…